Relationship 101

By the title you would assume that I am about to provide advice, insights, tips and tricks; however, that is far from the case. Relationship 101 is a class that I would like to take without actually having to attend, study or test. By osmosis I would like to ingest the necessary professional knowledge to conduct positive, meaningful, long lasting connections. But by osmosis I don’t mean that I actually want to be around happy couples or unhappy couples for that matter. I guess I have found my issue – work. Relationships are so much work. My perfect partner would be a robot, gay or married.

Now before you place me on a list for America’s Most Ratchet, let me say I have only “dated” one person that was married living in the home with his wife – to my knowledge. He was a musician and I am a writer, so I was intrigued by his artistry. We communicated for six months and during that time I was adamant that I do not/will not/ever no not be intimate with a married man. After the first evening of rejection, he no longer even pursued me in the same manner. Now the key is “the same manner.” We became friends and would talk for hours about music, writing, growing up, embarrassments, insecurities, mental health, you name it. I listened to his music, and he read my book. I mean literally sat 100 ft. away from me and read the entire manuscript from cover to cover.

Eventually I did start seeing someone else who wasn’t seeing me back, and after that was over, well you know the drill. My guards were down and the next time “my friend” hinted at something more I was open. The physical did not disappoint. This lasted off and on for at least two years – my longest relationship. But I guess it doesn’t really count as a relationship. At least I don’t count it. It was literally like playing house. After a few hours, you have to go back home to eat, do your chores, your mom (wife) is calling. The only strings were emotional. And I am one woman who is not big on emotions. I feel but I would rather not, so I work very hard to maintain control over every mood emoted good or bad. I probably broke up with him once every two/three months. But it wasn’t over, until he stopped seeing me. I wanted to be friends, but our “friendship” was a casualty of intimacy.

Dating a married man or woman staves off a lot of the pressures, responsibilities and constraints of being in a committed, monogamous relationship. But eventually expectation and ultimatum rear their ugly heads. That brings me to gay men. I know I cannot be the only straight woman that has a thing for gay men. We need a group, self-help book and a recovery plan. It is crazy because I do not like straight, effeminate men; that’s just suspect. But actual out of the closet, feminine, lisp gay? I’m crushin’ all day, all day. Now let me preface this by saying I have never actually had a close connection to a gay man – everything is still in the fantasy stage. But from where I sit, it seems like a win win; close friend, flirtation, and companionship. If things do progress they have all the right accoutrement, but if not that is cool too. Everyone knows where they stand, and he would be someone I could pursue for once.  Please, Baby Baby Baby, Please. I would like to know what that feels like.

Believe me when I say, I will probably never act on the fantasy (I’m currently only stalking one gay man on social media). But if there are any gay men out there looking for a beard, I’m available. Alas, where is technological advancement when you need it most? In 20/30 years I bet half of all relationships will be with someone of the opposite make and model. A robotic romantic rendezvous is my truth. I was just born before my time. I hope you scientific engineering types are reading this. Dorothy is still trying to slide some oil to Tin Man. 

I have also closed my legs to married men. I was recently tempted by a man I had been with prior to his nuptials. I assured him that he was on my mind too (that’s actual and factual), but I am a changed woman. The only thing my companionship prospects have in common is that they are all unavailable. So, I guess it is back to straight, single, human men. The next time I will try to make myself present and available for Relationship 101 – the class, not the life experience. Baby steps people, baby steps.